What Kind of Writer Am I?

Do you ever tire of hearing your own voice in your head? Because I do. The constant analyzing, tearing every small action apart, looking at everything like it’s a puzzle that’s supposed to have some discernible meaning. Lately, it’s been a nonstop examination of the purpose of my existence.

Ironically, on my birthday, I was laid off from my job after spending three years doing deep dives into the newest TLC show and which stars popped up with a baby bump at the Emmys. I think I laughed when I heard the news of my departure because it just seemed like the most ridiculous ending to a year that felt full of unbelievable events. The fact that it was my birthday was just the cherry on top.

Shortly after the call ended, I did what any sane person does: opened LinkedIn. I scrolled through my profile with the frightening realization I would have to change my headline. What am I now? A journalist? A writer? A slightly unhinged girl whose brain still doesn’t feel like it’s functioning after chemo?

The truth is I haven’t always known I’ve wanted to be a writer — but writing has always been a part of my life.

It started with silly journal entries, plays, short films, and even embarrassing love songs I remember showing my best friend in 5th grade. But I told myself I wasn’t a writer, because that would be absurd. How could I compare myself to Austen or Morrison or Hemingway? For a long time, I was also convinced acting was my path.

If you didn’t know this, I was a pretty big child star. You could catch me in roles such as a featured extra on season 5 of Modern Family, where my shoulder makes a scandalous appearance, or as the stand out part of “Cast Kid” in one episode of a YouTube webseries. I loved getting to pretend to be other characters besides myself for once, especially as such an introverted individual. Performing made me feel alive.

Over time, though, like so many people, I became frustrated with the auditioning side and found myself wanting to create something — even if I didn’t know what it was.

As I grew more bored with the business side of acting, I started writing my own scenes to bring to class. Pretty quickly, I realized I enjoyed writing more than I enjoyed actually performing. There was something so special and rewarding about the feeling of finishing a script. Still, the word writer didn’t cross my mind.

After losing interest in going to film school and deciding to become an English major, I remember the uncertainty I felt about my career. What could I even do with an English degree? I guess I could teach? — a sentence every English major says at least once in their life. A couple of the girls I met during orientation suggested some different magazines on campus I could write for, but I was rejected from every one of them freshman year. Maybe that could sense my uncertainty about what I wanted to do.

Sophomore year, I was finally accepted to write for Her Campus, a college magazine for women — and something clicked instantly. I loved it. I loved writing. Some of the articles and essays I published at first were objectively terrible (please don’t move in with your boyfriend in college), but I kept going despite not having a clue what I was doing. Still, I wasn’t sure what type of writer I was. Health and lifestyle blogging was fun, but other kinds of writing kept calling to me.

Eventually, I tried to fit myself into a perfect box of “journalist,” which led me to a job as a celebrity news writer at a big publication. Even though I discovered early on I wasn’t so into entertainment news, it was truly a blessing to get my work published on such a large scale. Thousands of people were reading my words each day — even if it wasn’t exactly what I dreamed of.

Getting laid off forced me to turn to the age-old question: what kind of writer am I?

The honest answer to that question is I’m a little of everything. I love some aspects of journalism. I love nonprofit storytelling. I could see myself writing a memoir one day. I secretly started writing poetry. Can’t I just love it all?

We spend so much time trying to fit ourselves into one particular lane, one identity. But why should it matter? Why do we have to minimize ourselves just to impress other people?

So today, I am just Caitlyn Somers — a writer who hopes to use her words to help other people in some way, shape or form, even if my purpose continues to evolve.